


Hindsight Is Always Twenty Twenty.

by Saltandburnboys



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panties, bottom!Jensen, cross dressing, jensen/omcs - Freeform, non-con, top!Jared
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-04
Updated: 2016-05-22
Packaged: 2018-04-02 22:06:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4075471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saltandburnboys/pseuds/Saltandburnboys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This really isn't how Jensen thought tonight would go...had he known, he would never have stepped out his front door.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [somersault_j](https://archiveofourown.org/users/somersault_j/gifts).



> Written for this prompt at the spnkink-meme - http://spnkink-meme.livejournal.com/75489.html?thread=37075425#t37075425 - left by one of my best friends, somersault-j. Thanks for the awesome prompt, hon, and for your lovely comments. I think you're pretty much the only one reading this, lol... 

**Hindsight is Always Twenty Twenty.**

**Jensen.**

 

He feels sexy as he presses closer to the man at his side, calm and confident in a way he rarely is in real life. And they both know why. Sure, some of it's the alcohol running through his veins, but most of it, if he's honest, is the feel of silk against his skin...the softness cradling his half hard dick. 

 

Jared's hand slides higher up his thigh, and Jensen barely holds back a moan as his boyfriend's long, long fingers brush against his zipper. He wants so badly for them to go further, for them to just tear open his fly and dip inside, and to hell with everyone around them. But even in his loose, half drunken state, he knows that's a bad idea. He's got plans for tonight and none of them include ending up in a jail cell. 

 

So with a wet kiss to Jared's neck, he pulls away and slides a little down the booth. Jared's eyes darken instantly, zeroing in on him, and his boyfriend's lips curl into a slow, dangerous smile as he moves to follow, like he thinks Jensen's playing with him. Teasing him. And if they were anywhere else, he might be right - after all, nothing gets Jensen hotter than Jared going all caveman on his ass. 

 

When Jared catches up to him, nosing into his hair and biting gently on his earlobe, Jensen knows it's time to go home. Time to make good on all those promises he's been making his boyfriend all night. But it's a long ride home - another way to build up the heat between them; stretch out the anticipation until they're both desperate with it - and Jensen's had a lot to drink tonight. 

 

'Bathroom,' he gasps out as Jared's hand suddenly, unexpectedly, presses against his crotch under the table. He quickly follows it up with a hushed, 'Gotta use the bathroom, Jay, before we leave.' Jared growls against his neck in response, knowing full well what leaving means, and reluctantly pulls his hand away. But not before giving Jensen's heavy dick another rough squeeze that makes Jensen's eyes almost roll back in his head.

 

_Fuck..._

 

It's awkward sliding out of the booth with his cock pressing so firmly against his zipper, and it's even more awkward working his way through the crowd while trying to hide it. Jensen doesn't mind a little exhibitionism - in fact, a few PDAs here and there are the perfect foreplay - but shoving his very obvious erection in a ton of strangers' faces is a bit too much, even for him.

 

He lets out a sigh of relief when he finally gets inside the bathroom. It's cooler here, quieter too, and his head clears a little of its alcoholic muzziness. He heads to the only stall, cursing when he finds the door locked and a messy 'Out of Order' sign tacked to the front of it. 

 

_Damn it._

 

He considers leaving it, just holding it till he gets home, but then his bladder gives a particularly needy pulse and he realises it's just not worth the discomfort. There's no one else in the bathroom anyway, and it's not like it's going to take more than a minute for him to be finished. 

 

Nodding to himself, he steps up to one of the urinals and quickly unzips his pants, careful to keep what he's got on underneath hidden from view. 

 

He's so distracted by how good it feels to finally relieve his aching bladder that he doesn't hear the door open. Doesn't even realise he's not alone anymore until a heavy hand drops on his shoulder, as he's carefully tucking himself back in, and spins him round. His back collides painfully with the tiled wall, forcing all the air from his lungs and leaving him struggling for breath as he takes in his attacker

 

 _Or attackers._ There are three of them - great, hulking guys with matching smirks on their twisted faces - and Jensen really doesn't know how he didn't hear them come in, but he guesses it doesn't matter. All that matters is that's he's outnumbered.

 

'You know this is the gents, right, sweetheart?'

 

Jensen's stomach drops at the words, and he knows right then that he's in trouble. His eyes flick to the door, desperately willing someone to walk in, preferably Jared - one look at his six five, muscle-bound boyfriend and Jensen's sure these assholes will rethink this whole thing - but the door remains stubbornly closed. Worse, one of the assholes follows his gaze and walks over to the door to flick the lock closed.

 

And, just like that, he's trapped. 

 

Okay...okay...he's trapped and outnumbered, but he's not _helpless_ , and this isn't the first fight he's been in. He can get out of this; he just needs to stay calm and keep his head. 

 

'Look, fellas, it's been a long night and I think maybe we've all had a bit too much to drink,' he says, keeping his voice as low and calm as he can with his heart hammering like it is. 'How about you just let me past and we forget this ever happened, huh?'

 

He cautiously sidesteps the man directly in front of him - _no sudden movements, Jensen, nice and slow, nice and slow_ \- and makes his way towards the door. 

 

Just a few more steps...just a few more steps and he's home free...

 

But it's not meant to be, and before he can even get his fingers on the lock, he's being dragged backwards again. 

 

With a curse, he yanks his arm out of the man's grip and spins 'round, immediately raising his fists and waiting for the fight he really doesn't want to have but clearly can't escape. 

 

And they... _laugh_ at him. 

 

He flinches as the sound echoes off the walls, harsh and cruel, cutting into him like a thousand razor sharp knives. He doesn't lower his fists though, and he doesn't back down. They're between him and the exit now, and if Jensen has to fight his way out of this, then so be it. 

 

'Awww, don't be like that, sweet thing; we ain't gonna hurt you,' the guy in the middle says, his smile slipping into something less mocking, into something more...intimate. 

 

And Jensen can't help but take a startled step back at that, his heart tripping over itself suddenly, as he realises that he's misjudged this situation completely.

 

They don't wanna beat him up...they wanna...

 

His doubts are quickly and horrifyingly confirmed when the guy on his right follows up with a quiet, 'We'll be gentle, I promise.' 

 

_Fuck, fuck, fuck..._

 

Left with no other option, Jensen rushes the smallest man, planting his shoulder into the guy's stomach and shoving him out of the way. He doesn't look back as he heads for the door and, this time, he has the lock flipped and the door half way open when something crashes into the back of his head.

 

His vision darkens, fingers slipping off the handle, head spinning and body teetering, and he loses himself, loses hold of everything, for a moment. 

 

Or maybe it's more than a moment, because when he comes back to reality, with an almost painful jolt, he's lying on the floor on his stomach. 

 

There are hands on his shoulders too, pushing him into the concrete, and fingers clasped around his neck to keep him still. He struggles anyway, biting out an angry, 'Get the fuck off me, you bastards,' when it doesn't do any good. And despite the fact his legs are free, the fuckers aren't close enough for him to kick them off, and he can't get any leverage to scramble away pinned down like he is. 

 

So even though he knows it won't do any good - no way anyone will hear him over the clamour of the bar and the heavy bass of the band - he opens his mouth and yells, 'HELP!! SOMEONE HEL-'

 

It works about as well as he expected. 

 

His head gets smashed into the floor almost as soon as the words leave his mouth, cutting him off and cracking his skull hard enough he feels the vibrations of it right down in his bones. A hand curls into his hair, fingers vicious now, dragging his head up and baring his throat. 'Shut the fuck up, bitch, or I swear to god I'll slit your throat when I'm done with you,' the owner of the hand hisses in his ear.

 

Jensen sags against the concrete instantly, his head ringing and pounding in equal measure, his stomach churning and twisted up in knots. 

 

He feels sick. 

 

He feels beaten. 

 

It hits him then like a punch in the gut: he's not getting out of this...he's not getting away. And even though he'd already guessed what they're after, the hand working open his fly still comes as an unpleasant shock. 'No, no,' he begs, bravado quickly slipping away as he's forced to face the reality of what's about to happen to him. 'Please don't do this, please...' 

 

His words fall on deaf ears, though, and, a moment later, his pants are being dragged harshly down his thighs. 'Please,' he says again, trying to squirm away. 

 

'Shhhh,' an insidious voice whispers above him. 'Don't act like you don't want it, you little slut.' Jensen shudders as a finger runs along the hem of his panties, dipping just inside to trace along the skin of his ass. 'You wouldn't have dressed up all pretty like this if you didn't.' 

 

Jensen shakes his head, despite the wave of nausea it causes, because that's not true, not true at all...

 

_Is it?_

_No...it's not...he's not a slut...this thing, it's...it's just for him and Jared..._

 

A hand creeps under the elastic then and Jensen's breath hitches. 'Don't...' 

 

'Just asking for it, weren't you? Standing over there, flashing your pretty panties at us.' The hand grabs at Jensen's flesh, nails digging in hard enough to break the skin, and Jensen squeezes his eyes closed, willing for it to be over. Willing for it to be quick. Willing for it not to hurt too badly. 'Well, don't worry, sweetheart, I know exactly what you want.' His panties are pulled down so roughly Jensen's hears them rip, and he bites his lip to keep from calling out a second time. 

 

They're laughing at him again as they pin him to the floor and wait for their buddy to...to...

 

Jensen grunts when a finger shoves into him, dry and huge and unwelcome, and tears spring to his eyes. 

 

'Fuck, I thought he'd be looser,' the man says, screwing his finger in hard enough to shock a whimper from Jensen. 'Whore should be gaping wide after all the dick that's been up here.'

 

_No...not true...only Jared...there's only Jared..._

 

'Well, we'll soon fix that, won't we, boys?' The second finger hurts even more than the first, and Jensen bites his lip hard enough this time to draw blood. The sickening tang of it floods his mouth and, for a second, he's certain he's going to vomit. He can't believe this is happening. He should've waited till he got home...no, he shouldn't have worn the panties at all. He wouldn't be in this mess if he hadn't. If he hadn't been so fucked up in the head, so perverted, so disgusting, none of this would be happening. 

 

'Gonna be so fucking loose I could stick my fis-'

 

'Jensen?'

 

They all freeze at the sound of Jared's voice on the other side of the door. 

 

'You in there, man?'

 

Jensen opens his mouth to call back, to call for help, and a huge hand comes down to cover his lips, followed by the sharp bite of a blade against his neck.

 

_Oh god._

 

'One word out of your pretty little mouth and I'll slice you wide open, understand?' his attacker growls, dragging the knife slowly across Jensen's throat, as if his words hadn't already made it perfectly clear to Jensen what calling for help would cost him. 

 

Jared knocks on the door then, blissfully unaware to everything that's happening to Jensen on the other side, and the wood rattles a little on its hinges. It's flimsy to say the least, and Jared could easily break it down if he wanted to; he could break it down and be in here in an instant, if he knew Jensen needed him. But he doesn't, and Jensen's got no way of telling him, and having him there - so close, but yet so far away - is almost worse. The idea of Jared being _right_ on the other side of that door while these guys take what they want sends a disgusted shiver down Jensen's spine, and he screws his eyes tightly shut when Jared calls his name again.

 

_Just go, Jared...please just go..._

 

'Shit, Mickey, we can't do this with the guy's boyfriend on the other side of the fucking door,' one of the guys behind Jensen hisses. 'I mean, fuck, what if he gets the manager to unlock the damn thing?'

 

The knife presses harder against Jensen's throat then and a frisson of panic rushes through him, heart, lungs and brain all stuttering to a terrified stop as they wait for the fatal slice.

 

But it doesn't come. Instead, the knife lifts from his throat and Jensen draws in a hitching, desperate breath and slumps against the concrete. He hardly even registers his captors releasing him and getting to their feet around him...can't focus on anything but the dizzying relief coursing through his veins. 

 

'Come on, man, we've gotta get out of here.'

 

_They're leaving?_

_Oh, thank god..._

 

But just when he thinks it's over, just when he thinks he's got through this relatively unscathed, his head is suddenly pulled up, fingers twisting in his hair once more, and he's left looking into the cold eyes of his attacker. 'I'll be seeing you, sweetheart,' he says before crashing his lips into Jensen's hard enough to split them open again. It's not a kiss - too much violence, too much _anger_ , to be seen as anything but an attack. 

 

A vicious, parting blow to make sure Jensen never forgets. 

 

Once he's done with Jensen - probably satisfied by the taste of blood on his tongue - the man drops him roughly to the floor and Jensen barely avoids breaking his nose on the hard concrete. The near miss leaves his head spinning, but it's not bad enough that he doesn't hear the bathroom window creak open, or his attackers muttering and cursing as they attempt to squeeze through the tiny gap. 

 

Or the loud slam of it falling shut behind them. 

 

And then he's alone. Half naked, with his pants around his thighs, and aching all over, but finally alone.

 

It's over - they're gone; he's safe - but his body won't calm down. His heart's still pounding a frantic staccato against his ribs, and he can feel the sweat dripping down his forehead and clinging to the back of his neck. And he needs all of that to stop...right now. Because Jared's waiting for him on the other side of that door, and if Jensen goes out there like this, all panicked and wide eyed, Jared's going to know. He's going to know, and he's going to want to call the cops and Jensen will have to...he'll have to tell them everything. 

 

And he _can't_. He can't stand in front of a bunch of cops and explain to them why he was targeted - can't have them look at him like he was asking for it, like he's some kind of pervert - he just can't do it.

 

Or worse, Jared's going to want to hunt down those guys himself and make them pay. And if Jensen's learned one thing tonight, besides the fact that he's fucked up, it's that those assholes aren't people Jared should be messing with. Jared might be built like a brick shithouse, but all it would take is one errant slice of that blade and...

 

No, it's unthinkable, and Jensen's not going to let it happen.

 

Besides, Jensen's not sure he even wants Jared to know. Jared's always been so supportive of this thing Jensen has, this _perversion_ , but what if that's just him being a good boyfriend? What if he thinks Jensen deserved this too? That he was asking for it, dressing up the way he does? Jensen doesn't think he could handle Jared looking at him like that.

 

So, yeah, Jensen needs to fucking pull himself together already. It's not like...like anything really happened anyway. 

 

It takes more effort than it should for him to get to his knees and pull up his torn underwear and pants, but he eventually manages it, and if his hands tremble a little as he does so, then there's no one here to see that. 

 

Once he's done, once all the evidence is buried beneath his clothes, he rises to his feet and walks...stumbles - _fuck, get a hold of yourself, Jensen_ \- over to the door. _Okay...okay...this is it_ , he thinks as he plasters on a smile and flicks open the lock. 

 

The door opens immediately, and Jared rushes inside, all wide shoulders and bulging muscles, and Jensen can't help the flash of panic he feels - too close, too fast, too much - but, thankfully, he somehow manages to keep the smile on his face as Jared moves towards him. 'Fuck, Jen, did you lock yourself in? I was getting worried.'

 

'Yeah,' Jensen lies, 'sorry, must've flicked the latch by accident when I came in. Can we go?' 

 

He's pushing past Jared before he's even finished speaking, desperate to get out of that dingy bathroom and away from what just happened. Unfortunately, he doesn't even make it through the door before Jared grabs his arm and stops him. Every muscle in Jensen's body tenses, pulling taut as a bow string ready to snap, and he wants so badly to yank his arm away...but he doesn't. Can't without Jared realising something's not right. So he forces himself to stay still in Jared's hold, even when Jared inches closer. Even when Jared crowds up him against the wall.

 

_It's just Jared. It's just Jared..._

 

'Hey, what did you do?' Jared asks, tracing a finger gently along Jensen's hairline, and Jensen can't help but flinch at the touch. Not because it hurts, even though it does, but because Jared shouldn't...he doesn't want Jared touching anything from tonight. Even if it's only the echoes of what happened.

 

Jared pulls his hand away with a frown and Jensen's heart stutters a little in his chest. _He knows, fuck, he knows._ 'Did you fall over or something?'

 

Relief washes over Jensen at the question and he latches onto the excuse like a drowning man clutching onto a life raft, replying with a hurried, 'Yeah, I...uh...I hit myself in the face with the door on the way in.' The smile twisting his lips feels fake even to him now, and he can only pray that Jared won't notice. 'Stupid. Obviously more drunk than I thought, huh?'

 

Jared's still frowning, though, staring intently at Jensen's forehead like he's trying to figure out if Jensen slamming his face into a door would cause that kind of bruise, and Jensen's heart's racing so fast he thinks he might actually be on the verge of a heart attack. But then Jared's frown smoothes out - _thank god_ \- and he pulls Jensen closer so he can drop a soft kiss on the bruise. 'Well, be more careful next time, okay? You're kind of important to me, you know?' He pulls back with a fond smile that speaks volumes of just _how_ important Jensen is to him - a smile Jensen's pretty damn sure he no longer deserves, if he ever did. 'You ready to go?'

 

 _Finally,_ Jensen thinks as he gives Jared a jerky nod. He just wants to go home so he can get out of these clothes and into a nice, hot shower...and then go to sleep and forget this ever happened.

 

He can totally do that. He can forget, and they can move on, and everything will be right in his world again. He can...he knows he can...

 

****

 

'Hey, you need to buckle up,' Jared says as he pulls out of the parking lot. 'Don't think that pretty head of yours can take any more bangs tonight, can it, sweetheart?'

 

And just like that, Jensen flinches so hard, he loses hold of his seatbelt and jams his elbow into his stomach. He's left winded and shaken, but he's pretty sure neither of those things were caused by jabbing himself in the gut. No, it was that word...which is just...beyond ridiculous. Jared's called him that a thousand times, and he's not...Jared's not that guy in the bathroom, and Jensen's not being pinned to the floor and groped anymore. It's over. It's done. So why in the hell is he suddenly covered in sweat? Why are his hands shaking as he reaches back again to grab his seatbelt?

 

_Fuck._

 

Defeat washes over him in a noxious wave then - he's weak; he's so fucking weak - and he moves to rest his aching head against the cool glass of his window. He feels sick, at himself, at what he let happen tonight, at what he _made_ happen, and he screws his eyes shut against it all. Trying to block it out. 

 

It doesn't work, of course, because the moment his eyes close, his head's filled with flashes of hands where they shouldn't be and a heavy, suffocating weight against his back. 

 

His eyes snap back open instantly, breath catching in his throat and stomach lurching dangerously, and it's not just his hands that are shaking now. He kind of wants to reach out, grab Jared's hand and lace their fingers together until his heart stops racing, but he knows he can't. So, instead, he turns to stare out the window, watching the street hurry past without really seeing it, mind too caught up in the dawning realisation that maybe...maybe this whole forgetting thing isn't going to be quite as easy as he thought.

 

And even with the heating on full blast, even with Jared warm and comforting beside him, Jensen shivers. 

 

****


	2. Chapter Two.

** Chapter Two. **

 

** Jared. **

 

Jared drums his thumbs against the steering wheel, keeping his fingers occupied and his attention on the road ahead as he races home. His blood is running hot through his veins, his heart hammering in his chest, and he knows if he looks over at Jensen now, they're not going to make it back. 

 

He knows if he lets his eyes drift over to the passenger seat, he's not going to be able to keep himself from pulling over and just taking Jensen by the side of the road. 

 

And that's not how this goes. Never has been. And as much as Jensen likes giving up control to him on nights like this, this is still Jensen's show. He's the one with the drawer full of panties at home; he's the one who opened up six months into their relationship about how his tastes ran a little more kinky and a lot less vanilla than he'd previously let on. So while Jared loves this too - and boy does he ever - he does this for Jensen, and his wants and desires are always going to come second to Jensen's. 

 

In fact, he's so focused on the road, so focused on keeping his hands to himself, that it's not until they're five minutes from home that he notices just how still Jensen is. Normally by this point in the evening, his boyfriend's squirming around in the seat next to him, like he's having as much trouble keeping his distance as Jared is, and given how amped up Jensen was tonight at the bar, it's a little odd to see him so subdued. 

 

He's puzzled enough to risk a quick glance over - nothing like a little worry to take the edge off - and when he takes in Jensen's rigid posture, sees his tightly clenched fists, he frowns. Something's obviously not right and he immediately reaches out to place a comforting hand on Jensen's knee. 

 

The way his boyfriend jolts at the touch takes Jared so much by surprise, he loses control of the car for a second and it swerves dangerously into the oncoming lane. It's barely a second before he has the car righted again, of course, but he decides after that to wait until they get home to address whatever's going on with Jensen. 

 

It seems to take forever to make it those last few miles, but eventually they pull into their driveway and Jared puts the car in park. He's just about to lean over and ask Jensen what's wrong, maybe pull his boyfriend into his arms if need be, when Jensen opens the car door and all but leaps out.

 

'Fuck,' Jared hisses, quickly undoing his belt and scrambling out of the car after him. 'Jensen,' he calls, but Jensen doesn't stop, doesn't even turn around, and Jared's feeling more and more worried with every passing second. 

 

Did he do something at the bar? Did he push Jensen too far? He doesn't think so, but he can't be sure until he actually _talks_ to Jensen, and that's proving a little difficult right now, what with the way Jensen is practically _sprinting_ away from him.

 

It's his turn to flinch this time when he hears the bathroom door slam in their bedroom. He takes the stairs three at a time - absently thinking that this isn't exactly how he'd imagined chasing Jensen upstairs tonight - until he reaches the top, then follows Jensen into their bedroom. 

 

The shower's already running by the time Jared steps up to the closed bathroom door and turns the handle. It's locked. Not a huge surprise given the way Jensen's acting right now, but it still hurts when the handle turns uselessly in his hand. He feels completely shut out, like all of a sudden Jensen doesn't trust him anymore, doesn't want to share what's going on his head, and that thought twists Jared up inside. 

 

'Jensen, baby,' he says quietly into the wood, 'can you let me in?'

 

There's no answer, but Jared's not naive enough, or stupid enough, to think it's because Jensen can't hear him over the fall of the water, so he tries again, 'Are you okay, Jen? Please just...just let me know you're alright.' 

 

Nothing. 

 

Nothing but the steady sound of the shower running and the frantic thud of Jared's racing heart.

 

Then, _finally_ , after too many long, tense minutes - minutes where Jared was seriously considering breaking down the door - the shower shuts off and Jared hears Jensen moving around inside. He's still taken by surprise though when the door swings open, and he stumbles back a little as Jensen steps out, already dry and dressed for bed. 

 

'I'm fine,' Jensen says immediately, giving Jared a smile so fake, so plastic and practiced and goddamn _wrong_ , it's almost painful to look at. 'Just tired that's all.'

 

His voice has taken on that rough edge it always gets when he's upset about something, and Jared can't help reaching out for him. He knows if he can just wrap his arms around Jensen, everything will be okay; he'll be able to sort out this tangled mess and Jensen will be alright again. But Jensen dances away from his fingers, his eyes wide and bordering on panicked as he slips just that little bit further away from Jared. 

 

And it's then, as Jensen recoils from his touch for a second time that night, that Jared notices Jensen's skin. It's bright red, almost raw looking, like Jensen turned the shower temperature up to the maximum and forced his body under it. There's more too - long scratches up both his arms and across neck, like he's tried to scratch his goddamn skin off, and that's just the parts of Jensen Jared can see. 'My god, Jensen,' he says, sounding vaguely horrified even to his own ears, 'what did you do to yourself?'

 

Jensen avoids Jared's gaze, focusing on some random point beyond Jared's shoulders, as he answers, 'Nothing. Turned the water up a bit too high by accident.' It's such a blatant lie - if he'd turned the temperature up too high, then why in god's name did he stay under the spray? - that Jared can't help the way his jaw tightens in response. Everything's falling apart, leaving the ground shaky and uncertain beneath his feet, and he just wants some fucking answers. But before he can say anything, Jensen continues, 'I've gotta get up early tomorrow and I don't want to wake you when I go, so I'm just gonna sleep in the spare room tonight, okay?'

 

Jared's eyes narrow at that, instantly darting down to Jensen's scratched up arms for a moment before rising back up to his face. Sure, Jensen sleeping down the hall isn't actually all that unusual in and of itself - Jensen's work takes him all over the country and sometimes his days start hours before the sun's even up - but Jared _knows_ Jensen doesn't have to work tomorrow, and coupled with his boyfriend's skittish behaviour, it doesn't exactly take a genius to work out that his boyfriend's trying to hide something from him. Instead of calling Jensen out on it though, because he knows that'll just send Jensen running away even faster, he just says, 'I don't mind. We can maybe have breakfast together before you go?'

 

But Jensen's already shaking his head and backing away towards the door. 'No,' he says, reaching behind himself to grasp the door handle, 'it...it's gonna be _really_ early. I'll just grab something on the way. Right...okay, night.'

 

And just like that, he's gone, rushing out of their bedroom and down the hall, leaving the door to swing closed behind him.

 

Right in Jared's face. 

 

****


	3. Chapter Three.

'Oh, goddamn it,' Jared growls as he catches sight of their overturned trash cans. Fucking possums and their fucking nosey little paws and vicious little teeth and...and just... _goddamn it_. He slams his hand against the steering wheel, breaths coming in angry, rage filled huffs. 

 

So...maybe he's a little pissed, and not just about the possums getting into the garbage again. He's pissed about Jensen. More truthfully, he's pissed _at_ Jensen, even if the admission makes his gut twist with guilt. But he also thinks he's kind justified in his anger because today was hell, and it's all Jensen's fault. His boyfriend had been gone by the time Jared woke up that morning, like he said he would be, which is fine - disconcerting but fine. However, not answering his cell all day really is _not_ fine. Not when Jared was up most of the night worrying about him. 

 

Eyes narrowed, he throws open the door, stomps over to the trash cans and is just about to pull them upright when he sees what's tumbled out of them. And it's not trash at all. It's...it's underwear. Jensen's underwear, to be exact - his panties strewn across their driveway. Jared blinks a couple of times, trying to get his brain to come up with a logical explanation for what he's seeing, but he comes up blank. The only way for Jensen's panties to have ended up in the garbage is for Jensen to have put them there while Jared was at work, which just...which just makes no sense at all. 

 

He bends down and picks up the panties closest to him - they're black satin, with a delicate line of lace across the waist band - and frowns. He bought these for Jensen on their first anniversary four years ago; he _knows_ how much these mean to his boyfriend. The knot of worry that's been steadily growing in his gut since last night tightens and his frown deepens as he lets his gaze roam over the other pairs - the red silk pair Jared bought him for Valentine's Day last year; the blue pair he bought for Jensen's birthday; the green pair that Jensen bought himself because he knows how much Jared likes him in that colour. 

 

It's a hundred tender moments, moments that are theirs, that _mean_ something, tossed in the trash and Jared can't for the life of him think why. All he knows is that he can't bear to look at them anymore, so he runs over to his car, grabs his gym bag from the back seat and empties out everything inside. Then he rushes back to the upended trash cans, tosses all the panties - some of which are torn in places, he now notices, like Jensen ripped them apart before tossing them in the trash, and that knowledge does absolutely nothing to allay Jared's mounting worry - into his bag and zips it up. 

 

Unsurprisingly, that doesn't actually make him feel all that much better. The evidence might be hidden from view now, but that doesn't make any of this go away. He'd already guessed that something happened in the bar last night, something bad enough that Jensen's been avoiding him ever since, but it's clearly much worse than Jared imagined if Jensen was willing to throw away such an important part of himself to try and get rid of it.

 

So while Jared might not know what happened, not yet, the picture Jensen's painting is an ugly one, all dark shadows and fear and shame, and Jared's really not sure he wants to see it in the cold light of day. But he knows he has to if he's going to put an end it all this...if he's going to fix whatever's been broken in Jensen before his boyfriend shatters completely. And that means getting Jensen to open up to him about it, and he knows from past experience that that's not going to be easy. No, he needs a plan. Something that'll show Jensen that Jared means business without making him feel like Jared's blaming hi-

 

And that's when it hits him, the idea flickering to life in the edges of his mind like a lit match - a tiny spark that brightens and grows as other ideas join it, and soon enough a plan slowly begins to take shape in Jared's head. A plan that could actually work, if Jared gets it right. 

 

So, mind made up, he tightens his fingers around the bag in his hand - he's going to need it after all - and makes his way up to the house. Whenever Jensen decides to come home, Jared's going to be ready for him and they're going to talk about this. Whether Jensen wants to or not.


	4. Chapter Four.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N - made a slight change to the last couple of paragraphs in the previous chapter because I changed how I wanted this one to go. Sorry about that. :-/
> 
> Also, I'm trying to reign my editing ridiculousness in a little, so I spent a little less time on this than normal, so please excuse any typos/etc that are probably in this. Thanks. :-)

It's one a.m. when Jared finally hears the door open and close downstairs. He's been sitting up here in the guest room ever since he found the panties, waiting for Jensen to finally get back from whatever non-existent job he's pretending to have been on all day, and those long hours have left him more than a little on edge. He knows he's got one shot at this, and he has to get it right because if he doesn't, he's going to send Jensen running so fast, he'll probably lose him forever. 

 

He's left the lights off, suspecting that Jensen might not come in if he thinks Jared's inside, so naturally, Jensen doesn't see him when he first steps into the room and closes the door behind him. Of course, that all changes the moment he flicks on the light and sees Jared sitting in the chair beside the bed; his eyes go suddenly wide and his expression shocked, and he immediately turns towards the door, flight obvious in every line of his body. But Jared's there before he gets the door more than even half way open, wrapping his arms around him and pulling him back into the room. 

 

Jensen's a ball of tension in his arms, and Jared's heart breaks just a little more at the slight shivers he can feel against his body. 'It's okay,' he whispers over and over again as he guides Jensen towards the bed, 'it's okay, baby. You're alright; everything's alright.'

 

He deposits Jensen down carefully on the mattress and moves to grab his gym bag, but Jensen's back on his feet before Jared's fingers even touch the handle. 'I've got to...it's late, I need to-'

 

'No,' Jared says gently, walking back over and pressing Jensen down onto the mattress again. 'We need to talk.'

 

Jensen swallows visibly at that, eyes darting to the door like he's thinking about trying to run again, but in the end, he doesn't fight against the hand Jared has on his chest. The hand that can feel just how hard Jensen's heart is beating - a panicked thud-thud-thud slamming hard against his palm - and Jared has to bite his cheek to keep the hurt from showing on his face. He hates seeing Jensen so scared of him, as if Jared would _ever_ do anything to harm him. But tonight isn't about him; not about his hurt or his heart. There's something very wrong with Jensen, and Jared's not leaving this room until he finds out what it is. Neither of them are. 

 

Once Jensen's settled - or as settled as he can be when he's shaking so hard, the bed's damn near shaking with him - Jared grabs the bag, unzips it and empties the contents onto the bed. 

 

Jensen's mouth falls open in horror as the tattered lace and torn silk flutters onto the bedspread, and the blood drains completely from his face as his gaze flickers frantically between Jared and the ruined lingerie on the bed. And Jared doesn't miss the way he flinches when one of the pairs brushes his hand, nor the way he wipes the hand on his jeans afterwards. Like he just touched something dirty. 

 

'Jared,' Jensen breathes eventually, 'I'm sorry, I...I know you spent a lot of money on thes-'

 

'I don't care about that,' Jared says quickly, dropping the bag to the floor and joining Jensen on the bed. 'None of that matters. The only thing I care about is why you'd do this.'

 

Jensen looks away then, gaze falling to the floor, and before he even opens his mouth, Jared knows his next words are going to be a lie. Jensen wouldn't feel the need to hide his eyes from him otherwise. 'I just didn't want them anymore, that's all.'

 

Ignoring the pained ache the lie sets off in his chest - Jensen's lying to him; pulling away from him - he picks up one of the more ravaged pairs of panties and holds them up to Jensen. 'So why did you feel the need to tear them all apart first? If you didn't want them anymore, why didn't you just throw them away?' 

 

Jensen doesn't look at him, doesn't raise his eyes from the floor, as he shrugs. 

 

Jared sighs and drops the panties back onto the bed. Looks like he's going to have to bring out the big guns. 'I know something happened at the bar last night,' he says, keeping his voice as calm and even as he can. He doesn't want Jensen to think he's in trouble, or that Jared's mad at him, because he's going to clam up tighter than ever if he does.

 

Even so, though, Jensen's head snaps up so fast, Jared's genuinely worried he might've hurt himself. But before he can check, or even reach out a comforting hand, Jensen replies, 'Nothing happened.'

 

And now Jensen's finally looking at him, there's no hiding. There's no disguising the fear, the _panic_ , in those deep green eyes, or pretending it's not there. And there's no going back. 'It did,' Jared says gently, reaching over and taking hold of Jensen's hand, holding on even when Jensen tries to pull away. 'Something happened, and I need you to know I don't think any less of you because of it.' Because that _has_ to be why Jensen hasn't told him about what happened. It's the only thing that makes sense.

 

Jensen's face instantly crumples, and his hand tightens around Jared's fingers to the point of being painful, but Jared doesn't even try to draw back his hand. He catches the faintest glimmer of tears in Jensen's eyes before Jensen looks away again.

 

_Don't, baby, please don't turn away from me..._

 

Before the plea can crawl its way up his throat though, Jensen's speaking again, in a voice so bleak and brittle it chills Jared's skin, 'You will. You'll...you'll hate me.'

 

Jared's world shifts slightly on its axis then and he sways a little on the bed, the words floating mockingly in the air around him, stark and ugly and _wrong_. He's not sure which was worse - the idea that Jensen thinks Jared could ever hate him, _blame_ him, for something like this, or the fact that his boyfriend's pretty much just confirmed Jared's worst fears about last night...fuck, someone's gonna _burn_ for this. His chest feels too small suddenly, like his ribs have shrunk and are crushing his heart so that in a few moments all that's going to be left is a mangled mess of ruined flesh.

 

'Never,' he breathes, forcing the words up his too tight throat. 'I could never hate you, Jen; you _have_ to know that.'

 

Jensen rips his hand away then, standing up before Jared can reclaim it, and spits, 'No, don't you say that. You don't know. You don't know what happened. It was my fault. If I wasn't so fucked up. If I hadn't been wearing a fucking pair of panties like a...like a fucking _girl_ , they would never hav-'

 

His mouth snaps shut the second their eyes meet, like he's only just realised what he was saying. What he was admitting to. Jared can't even begin to catalogue the emotions flashing through Jensen's eyes at that moment - guilt, anger, pain, fear - so he doesn't bother trying. Instead, he gets to his feet and pulls Jensen back into his arms, hugging him the way he's been wanting to since Jensen stepped out of the bathroom last night all scratched up skin and wounded eyes. 'It wasn't your fault.'

 

Jensen makes a pained noise, struggling in his hold, pushing against him and tossing his head like he wants to break free, before suddenly...just giving in - clutching at Jared with all the desperation of a dying man. As if he's been wanting to do this ever since his night but hasn't been able to muster up the courage to follow through with it. Or maybe he simply didn't believe he deserved the comfort. Both of which are bullshit reasons, in Jared's opinion, and he immediately hugs Jensen tighter to show him just how stupid they are.

 

When Jensen finally replies, minutes later, his voice is wet and hitching. 'It was,' he says, face buried in the side of Jared's neck, 'it was my fault. This was my idea. I decided to wear them, and they saw and they...god, Jared...I fought them...I promise I did, but there were too many of them and I just...I couldn't...'

 

'Shhhh, shhh,' Jared says, rocking Jensen gently and pulling him even closer. His own cheeks are wet now, and he has to swallow a couple of times to make his voice work. When it does, it barely sounds like his own voice, rough and pained in a way it's never been before. 'It wasn't your fault,' he says again, knowing full well this won't be the last time he has to say it. That doesn't matter; he'll say it until Jensen is healed enough to be able to believe it. 'They made their choice, Jensen. They took something from you without your permission, and they're the only people to blame for that.'

 

'But I-'

 

'There are no buts here, Jen,' he says, keeping his voice soft but firm. He doesn't want to talk over Jensen like this, but he can't bear to hear him blame himself for this again. Once was enough. 'You could've been stark naked in that bathroom, and they still had no right to touch you. No right at all.'

 

Jensen shudders against him, fists bunching in Jared's shirt, and shakes his head. 'It's fucked up; _I'm_ fucked up,' he says eventually, the words muffled slightly by Jared's neck, but Jared has no trouble hearing them. 

 

Anger flares in Jared's belly, and he has to close his eyes and grit his teeth to keep it at bay - to keep it from bubbling over and spilling onto Jensen who simply won't understand right now that Jared's ire isn't aimed at him. It takes a few moments to call his rage to heel, and then he replies, 'Because you like wearing panties?' Jensen nods against his neck, pressing closer still, trying desperately to hide himself away. 'It's not fucked up to have fantasies, Jen,' he says, stroking a hand through Jensen's hair. 

 

Jensen goes quiet for a little while after that, and Jared's just beginning to hope that he's actually getting through to him when his boyfriend replies, 'You...you don't have to say that. I know I'm messed up.'

 

Jared's already splintering heart cracks just a little more at the self-disgust lacing Jensen's words - he doesn't even want to think about what must be going on in Jensen's mind right now; what vile little things that voice in his head is telling him - and he has to blink his eyes a couple of times to keep his own tears back. Jensen's right about this, just not in the way he thinks. This is fucked up - what they did to Jensen, what they took from him, _is_ fucked up. Dropping a soft kiss on the top of Jensen's head, he says, 'I know I don't have to say it. Why would I say it if it wasn't true, huh?'

 

'Because you're my boyfriend,' Jensen says, voice low and halting, 'it's the only reason you put up with all...all _this_.'

 

Jared gapes a little at that, lips parting in surprise. Jensen can't honestly believe that, can he? That Jared only does this for him? 'That's not...Jen, I love this as much as you do. If you're fucked up, then I'm fucked up too.'

 

But Jensen just shakes his head, refusing to believe him, and while Jared hates to pull away, especially when Jensen's clutching at him like this, he needs to make Jensen understand this. Because Jensen thinking he's somehow forcing Jared to do all this is not only ridiculous, but it's giving way too much ammo to the guilt already killing Jensen, and that bastard has a fully stocked arsenal at its disposal as it is. It doesn't get to add this to its artillery. 

 

So he draws back, holding Jensen at arm's length, so he can look into his boyfriend's eyes, so _Jensen_ can look into his, when he says, 'This might've been your kink to begin with, Jen, but it's my kink now too.' He reaches over and grabs a couple of pairs of panties in his fist and holds them up to Jensen. 'Does this look like I'm not on board? Would I buy you all of these if I didn't want to encourage you to let us do this more often? If I didn't think you looked so fucking sexy in them that I have trouble keeping my hands off you when you're in them?' 

 

Jensen's eyes skitter away, and Jared drops the panties again so he can cup Jensen's face and bring his attention back to him. His voice is as gentle as he can make it as he says, 'Did I have any trouble telling you what I like in bed? That I like tying you up? And watching you open yourself up for me?' It takes a moment, but Jensen eventually shakes his head. 'And did I have any trouble telling you the things I _didn't_ want to do?' Again, Jensen shakes his head, a little slower this time, like he might actually be listening to, _taking in_ , what Jared's saying. Hope flickers in Jared's belly and he pushes on, 'So why wouldn't I have told you I didn't like this if I didn't want to do it?'

 

'I...it's...you wouldn't...,' Jensen stammers after a moment, pulling away from Jared's hands and standing up, 'you've always been...you're...you're a good boyfriend.'

 

Jared raises a disbelieving eyebrow at him, hoping to convey _exactly_ what he thinks of that idea. 'Good enough a boyfriend that I'm going to do something in bed that I really don't want to do? Something that _disgusts_ me?' he asks as he gets up and follows Jensen. Reaching out, he places his hands on Jensen's upper arms. 'Come on, Jen, does that sound like me?'

 

'I...' Jensen stares up at him for a long time before before finally admitting, 'no.' 

 

'Right,' Jared says, squeezing Jensen's arms once in reassurance. 'I'm in this with you 100%, okay? Whatever happens. And if you really don't ever wanna do this again, I'll understand and we'll toss all these away and never talk about it again.' Jensen's eyes drift to the panties lying on the bed, his gaze looking more sad than disgusted now and that spark of hope flares brighter inside Jared. He really thinks he might be getting through at last. 'But don't give it up, don't give up something you love doing, just because of some small minded, twisted assholes who'll never be able to understand what we have.'

 

Jensen stays silent for a long time then, just staring at the bedspread, before he moves out of Jared's hold and takes a step away. Jared almost snatches him back, but catches himself at the last second. Caging Jensen in won't help matters. He's already pushed pretty far this evening; if Jensen needs time to process that, time away from Jared, then Jared can give him that. Even if the very idea of it curdles like rotten milk in his gut. 

 

He realises a moment later, though, that he didn't have to worry when Jensen wanders back over to the bed, instead of towards the door, and carefully sits down. 'I don't know how I feel,' he says quietly, reaching out and running his fingers across the panties on the bed.

 

Jared's heart sinks a little at the admission - stupid, he knows, because of course this wasn't going to be that easy - even though it's completely understandable. Jensen's head's gotta be a pretty messed up place right now, everything that happened last night swirled up in a jumble with everything Jared's just said. No wonder he has no clue what to make of it all. 

 

'And that's okay,' Jared says as he takes a cautious step towards the bed, keeping his movements slow and his intention to sit down very clear so that Jensen can move away if he wants to. Relief washes over him when Jensen stays where he is, and a small smiles creeps onto his face as he settles down next to Jensen and reaches for his hand. 'We'll figure all this out together, alright?' 

 

Jensen looks up at him, and it hits Jared then just how tired Jensen looks - dark circles shadow both his eyes and his skin's so pale he looks like he hasn't been outside in weeks, and that bruise...that goddamn bruise on his forehead has turned an ugly, mottled purple, leaching out across his skin like vicious claws. 

 

Looks like Jared's not the only one who didn't get any sleep last night.

 

'Hey,' he says softly, reaching out with his other hand to brush away a lock of hair from Jensen's forehead, careful not to go anywhere near the bruise, 'you look exhausted. I think it's about time we get you to bed.' He stands up and moves towards the door, only to jerk to a stop when he realises Jensen's not following him. When he turns back to see why, he finds Jensen still sitting on the bed, lip caught between his teeth and his forehead furrowed. 'What's wrong, baby?'

 

'I just...are you sure?' Jensen says, gaze shifting to the bedspread as he pulls back a little, his hand slipping a little from Jared's before Jared tightens his hold around it. He's not letting go; not now, not ever. 'Because I can sleep down here again if you want; I'd understand. It's okay...I don't...I don't mind...'

 

Jared's throat tightens and his eyes burn - he hates them; he wants them dead - and it takes everything he has to keep the smile on his face as he says, 'Nah, I missed you last night. Couldn't sleep with you all the way down here. Come on, let's go to bed.' He tugs gently on Jensen's hand again, and this time, thankfully, Jensen comes with him.

 

He doesn't release Jensen's hand till they're back inside their room and even then, he makes sure to bring it up to his lips first to drop a small kiss on Jensen's knuckles. And when he does let go so he can get undressed, he keeps half an eye on Jensen to make sure his boyfriend isn't getting lost in his head again. Jared might've made a lot of headway this evening, but he's not stupid enough to think this is over. What happened has clearly torn Jensen up inside and wounds like that take time to heal - time and a hell of a lot of love and patience - and they've got a long, hard road ahead of them. But it's a road that Jared's more than prepared to ride down with him, wherever it leads them.

 

When he's finally stripped down to his boxers, Jared climbs into bed and tosses the covers back to make room for Jensen. Jensen's still a little hesitant, movements jerky and awkward, as he slides into bed and lies down, his body so close to the edge that he's in real danger of falling off. 

 

And that won't do at all. 

 

Based on everything Jensen's said tonight, Jared's pretty damn sure this avoidance has less to do with Jensen not wanting to be touched, and everything to do with Jensen thinking Jared doesn't _want_ to touch him. Which is utter crap, and he's determined to prove it to Jensen, once and for all, so he turns onto his side and reaches out an arm to pull Jensen towards him, not stopping until Jensen's pressed up against him. 

 

'This okay, Jen?' he asks once Jensen's settled in place, just to make sure he's not reading this wrong.

 

'I...you don't have to do this,' Jensen whispers back and he sounds so nervous that Jared can't resist placing a tender kiss to the back of his neck. 

 

 _God, I love you,_ he wants to say, _I'll always love you, no matter what happens._ Please _believe me._

 

But he's not sure Jensen can handle anymore tonight, so he simply says, 'I know. I'm doing this because I want to. Doesn't feel right not to have you in my arms when I go to sleep.'

 

And just like that, Jensen relaxes back against him, letting out a breath that sounds a little too much like a sigh of relief for Jared's liking and curling his fingers tightly around the arm Jared has slung across his waist. As if he's afraid Jared's going to take it back, and with it, take back everything he's said tonight. 

 

It's more than a little heartbreaking, and Jared has clench his fists to keep from shaking, anger and sorrow and the need for revenge all warring within him and making it hard for him to breathe. The air in his lungs feels hot suddenly and his vision floods with red as he once again curses men he's never met and will never know. 

 

He's so caught up in fighting down his rage that he misses the moment Jensen drifts off to sleep, his boyfriend's body going lax in his arms and his face becoming peaceful for the first time since he slipped off to the restroom the night before. 

 

And Jared's rage instantly melts away at the sight of it, because this is what matters. Not his revenge, not the anger burning in his belly, this right here. Jensen trusting him enough to fall asleep in his arms like this, tells him everything he needs to know.

 

Sure, there's still a lot that needs to be sorted out - a hospital visit to get Jensen checked out, and perhaps get him set up with a counsellor if he's willing - he knows that, but he also knows they can handle it. Together. They'll weather this storm, and they'll come out stronger because of it. Jared's going to make sure of it.

 

****


	5. Chapter Five.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God, I can't believe how long I've left this fic unfinished. Sorry about that everyone. Hope this is worth the ridiculously long wait, and thanks for sticking with it. :-) xx

**Chapter Five.**

**Six months later.**

 

Sat up against the headboard of their bed, Jared smiles slightly as he watches Jensen disappear into the bathroom. The lights in the bedroom are already turned down low, enough for the candles Jared's lit to surround the bed in a soft, warm glow, and Jared's chest is a confused jumble of excitement and nerves. Excitement because it's Jensen and playing this game with him will never fail to make Jared's heart race, and nerves because this could all go so terribly, terribly wrong. 

 

What if it's too soon? Or too fast? Or just too damn much for Jensen right now?

 

But it isn't his call, Jared knows that, and he'll be damned if he makes Jensen doubt himself more than he already has been lately. Besides, if it proves too much, they can always stop and try again some other time. 

 

That thought helps calm his nerves a little, and he forces himself to relax back into the pillows behind him as he waits for Jensen to join him. 

 

It's a long time before the bathroom door finally opens, so long in fact that Jared actually finds himself drifting off, but he perks back up the second he hears the creak of hinges and turns his head towards the sound. His breath catches at the sight of Jensen in the doorway. He's a vision, standing there - all smooth, freckled skin, slim, tapered hips, and obscene bowlegs - dressed only in the red satin panties Jared bought for him earlier today. 

 

Now, Jared's dick wasn't exactly disinterested before, but it hardens almost painfully fast as Jensen steps over the threshold and into the bedroom. He groans low in his throat and allows himself a few quick strokes, eyes roaming down Jensen's perfect body, before he moves over to the edge of the bed and sits down.

 

'Come here, baby,' he says, reaching out so he can take Jensen's hands in his and pull him close. Draw him in until Jensen's standing between his spread legs and the satin of Jensen's panties is pressed up against his stomach. 

 

It's not nearly enough, though - he wants to feel Jensen's skin under his fingers, wants to touch, caress, _worship_ every inch of him - so he places Jensen's hands on his shoulders and slides his own down to Jensen's hips, fingers curling round the curve of his boyfriend's perfect ass. 

 

That's better.

 

'You okay?' he asks then, letting his thumbs stroke gently over Jensen's hip bones. He needs to make sure one last time that Jensen hasn't changed his mind about this. It's a big step: one that Jared won't have them taking if Jensen isn't completely sure about it.

 

Jensen nods though, and despite the blush on his cheeks, he doesn't dart his eyes away and his fingers are relaxed on Jared's shoulders, so Jared takes him at his word. 'You're beautiful,' he says, raising a hand to brush his knuckles across the pink dusting Jensen's cheek. The blush darkens a little at the touch, or maybe at the words, and Jared can't resist any longer; shooting his hands out, he grips Jensen by the hips and pulls his boyfriend into his lap. 

 

Jensen lets out a surprised little yelp as he topples forward to land on Jared's thighs, knees planted either side of Jared's hips. 'Ass,' he says, whacking a hand against Jared's chest, but his eyes are sparkling and there's a warm, teasing smile on his lips as he does it. 

 

'Ass, huh?' Jared says with a mischievous grin of his own, sliding his hands back round to Jensen's ass and giving said ass a firm squeeze. The silk feels ridiculously good against his palms - soft and smooth and sensual - and now that he has Jensen in his lap, looking utterly gorgeous, Jared realises just how much he's missed this. 

 

Leaning forward a little, he catches Jensen's lips in a kiss, soft and reverent at first, then turning into something deeper, something _ravenous_ , as Jensen begins to grind against him. 

 

Fuck, it feels good, but he needs _more_. Because as amazing as the silk feels against his dick, it's got nothing on Jensen: on the feeling of sliding into that tight, velvety heat.

 

So he breaks the kiss, and before Jensen can do much more than make a small sound of disappointment, Jared's grabbing him round the waist and tossing him onto the bed. Jensen gasps as his back hits the mattress, the sound immediately swallowed up by Jared as he captures Jensen's lips again. 

 

'Jared,' Jensen moans, rolling his hips against Jared's, 'need you.'

 

Jared nods, wholly in agreement with moving things along, and presses one last kiss to Jensen's already kiss swollen lips before reaching over to the nightstand and grabbing the lube. It takes a few moments for him to get the bottle open, eagerness making his hands clumsy, but he finally manages it and quickly coats his fingers.

 

Jensen's panting beneath him, cheeks red and eyes dark, as he reaches down towards his panties. 'Let me just...let me just get these off...'

 

Jared's catching Jensen's hand and halting its progress before he even realises what he's doing. This wasn't the plan, but now the idea's in his head, he can't think of a better way of doing this. Can't think of a better way to reassure Jensen that there's absolutely nothing wrong with what they do, and convince him that Jared is 100% on board with it.

 

Jensen looks up at him in confusion as Jared guides his hand up and presses it down onto the pillow beside Jensen's head. 'Leave them on,' he breathes into Jensen's ear, giving Jensen's other hand the same treatment. 'Leave 'em on, baby; I wanna fuck you in them.'

 

Jensen gives a whole body shudder at that, eyes fluttering closed, before he nods and relaxes back against the mattress. Submitting to Jared's will; giving himself over to Jared to do whatever he wants with him. And, fuck, if that's not the best feeling in the entire world, knowing that Jensen trusts him with this. That he trusts Jared to look out for him and never hurt him. It's the greatest gift Jensen could ever have given him, and Jared will never do anything to make Jensen regret it.

 

Starting with this. 

 

So reaching down, he wastes no time in pulling the panties to one side so he can circle Jensen's hole a couple of times with the index finger of his other hand before easing the tip inside. He waits a few seconds, just to let Jensen get used to the feeling of having something inside him, then presses forward, not stopping until his finger is all the way in. Jensen's breath hitches and his thighs flex where they're bracketing Jared's body, but there are no signs of distress on his face. Jared leans down to steal another kiss anyway, and a second and a third because he just can't help himself, as he begins to work his finger in and out of Jensen's ass, slowly opening him up. 

 

Jensen lets out a harsh cry when Jared finds his prostate and his hands come down to fist in the bed sheets, gripping them tight between his fingers.

 

And to be honest, Jared's not doing much better; he's hard enough to cut diamond and he knows if he doesn't get inside Jensen soon, he's gonna blow his load all over the sheets instead. So one finger quickly turns into two, then three, while Jared breathes deep to keep himself back from the edge. When he finally manages to slide four fingers into Jensen's ass without too much resistance, he almost wants to cry with relief. 

 

_Thank God._

 

Pulling his fingers out, he grabs the lube one last time to coat his dick before lining himself up with Jensen's slick hole.

 

'So pretty,' Jared breathes as he presses inside. 'So pretty, all dressed up for me.' He brings his hand down to rub over Jensen's hard dick through his panties and Jensen arches into the touch. 

 

'Jared...Jared...' Jensen's breathing hard now as he rolls his hips up into Jared's hand and back down to meet Jared's thrusts, and Jared knows he's close. 

 

So close that all it takes is Jared tightening his grip on Jensen's dick and Jensen's coming, breath hitching and dick spurting all over the silk and across his stomach. Jared doesn't give Jensen a moment to catch his breath, though; just speeds up his thrusts, sinking deep into the tight clutch of Jensen's body again and again as he chases his own climax. 

 

Jensen's pretty much boneless beneath him now, sated and loose limbed, and so damn beautiful it almost hurts look at him. Jared stares down at Jensen's face, taking in the delicate sweep of Jensen's long lashes against his flushed cheeks, drinking in the ripe plumpness of his kiss swollen lips, losing himself in the tantalising sheen of sweat coating his boyfriend's face and dripping down to pool in his dip of collarbone.

 

 _Fuck, he's gorgeous,_ Jared thinks, feeling the beginnings of his own orgasm shivering up his spine and across his skin. 

 

 _Gorgeous and_ mine.

 

And that's what does it - the thought that Jensen is his no matter what - and he tumbles over the edge and comes deep inside Jensen.

 

He buries his face in Jensen's neck for a few moments then, just breathing him in and coming down from his high, before carefully pulling out and dropping down alongside Jensen. 

 

'You okay?' he asks, running his fingers along the edge of Jensen's panties, knuckles brushing across Jensen's stomach as he does so. He really likes this colour on Jensen - likes how the red stands out against Jensen's pale, pale skin, how it makes Jensen's skin almost seem to glow in the honeyed light of the room - and he can't resist tracing the outline of Jensen's soft dick through it. 

 

Jensen squirms at the touch, looking half embarrassed, half turned on by the mess he's made of them, and that only gets Jared hotter. _He_ made Jensen do that...him, just him. It's exhilarating having that kind of power, knowing that he can take someone as beautiful as Jensen apart so easily and so thoroughly.

 

Jensen's probably a little over sensitive right now, though, so Jared keeps his touches teasing and light as he waits for Jensen to answer.

 

'I'm...I'm good,' Jensen says after a little while, voice breathless and cheeks still flushed deep as crushed rose petals. And then he smiles, a bright, happy smile that has Jared's heart skipping a beat in his chest. God, he's never loved anyone as much as he loves Jensen, and he knows he'll never love anybody else like this as long as he lives. Jensen really is the love of his life. 'You?'

 

It takes Jared several long seconds to find his voice, but eventually he manages to get out a quiet, 'Yeah, I'm good too.' Then, pulling his hand away from Jensen's panties, he leans forward and presses a soft kiss to Jensen's shoulder. 'I really missed this.'

 

'You don't have to say that,' Jensen replies, his smile turning a little sad, a little shadowed, and Jared's heart clenches painfully in his chest. No matter how many times he tells Jensen he loves this too, what happened in that bathroom is always there, lurking at the edges of Jensen's thoughts and making him question everything. 

 

'I know,' he says gently, taking Jensen's hand and lacing their fingers together. 'But it's the truth. I wouldn't say it if it wasn't.' He strokes his thumb across the back of Jensen's hand while he waits for Jensen to take the information in. Again. Like he has so many times over the last six months. 

 

It's hard watching Jensen doubt himself, watching him doubt _them_ , but he's come so far. And Jared's so proud of him. And if Jensen needs Jared to do this - needs him tell him that he's not a freak; that he's perfect and Jared loves him just the way he is - every day for the rest of their lives, then he'll do it. 

 

Whatever Jensen needs. 

 

Jensen stares into Jared's eyes for close to a minute before finally, _thankfully_ , his face smoothes out again and he nods. 'Thank you,' he says, rolling onto his side so he can drop a light kiss on Jared's lips. He doesn't quite pull away after, staying tucked up close as he adds in a low whisper, 'And thank you for...for...this. I know it's not easy and _I'm_ not eas-'

 

Jared instantly closes the gap between them and cuts him off with another kiss. If there's one thing he hates more than Jensen doubting himself, it's hearing him talk about himself like he's a burden. Like Jared would ever think that. 

 

'None of that, okay?' he says when they break apart, his hand coming up to run through Jensen's messy hair. Jensen nods again, closing his eyes and leaning into the touch, and Jared draws him closer, so he can tangle their legs together and loop an arm around Jensen's waist.

 

They lie like that for what feels like hours, wrapped tightly around each other, the only sound in the room their own quiet breaths, until Jensen looks like he's about to fall asleep. And that's when Jared nudges his nose against Jensen's and says, 'Come on, let's get you cleaned up and into bed, yeah?'

 

Lifting his arm away, he gets to his feet and pads over to the bathroom to grab a wet cloth, which he then uses to scrub the dying come off Jensen's stomach and from between his boyfriend's spread legs. They both need a shower really, but it's late and Jared's exhausted - Jensen too by the looks of it - so it'll just have to wait till the morning. 

 

Once he's done, he tosses the cloth back into the bathroom, quickly blows out all the candles and moves back over to the bed. Where he pulls down the covers so he can get Jensen under them, before climbing in beside him and spooning up against his back. 'I love you,' he mumbles into Jensen's neck. 'I love you so much.'

 

When Jensen doesn't reply, Jared figures he's already fallen asleep so he wraps an arm around his waist and closes his own eyes. Just before he drops off though, he hears a quiet, but no less earnest, 'I love you too.'

 

The warm smile that curves Jared's lips at the soft declaration follows him down into his dreams. 

 

THE END.

 

Thank you so much for reading, guys, and for all the great comments and kudos. They are both so very, very much appreciated. :-D xx


End file.
